No Place Like Home

About a week ago, I took my youngest into my bathroom to shave her armpits for the first time. Her body has changed so much in the past year, and she’s at the age where she is becoming more self-aware. She was self-conscience about it and told me she wanted to shave them but didn’t trust herself with a razor. Not to be left out, of course, my eight-year old had to come along for the show and whooped and hollered the whole ten minutes, like it was some kind of sporting event. From that moment, I have felt a cloud of doom looming, and the cloud is middle school.

She hasn’t expressed any kind of feelings to me about leaving elementary school and moving on to middle school, and I certainly do not want to impart any kind of predispositions on her about how mean middle schoolers can be, doubly in the midst of the pandemic still, when everyone is so polarized about covid. I try to keep my feelings to myself, but I could tell yesterday that she was not in a great mood, when I suggested that we go out shopping for school clothes. When I asked her what was wrong, she said she didn’t know, but I knew she was anxious and afraid. Her little mind fails to see that a lot of the kids entering middle school for the first time probably feel the same way she does, and even if she did know, it wouldn’t matter, because it’s her feelings.

With today being the last Sunday before the beginning of the school year, I wanted to make sure that we spent a lot of time together and do something that I knew the girls would enjoy. They wanted to go to the park, but before we left, Macy went upstairs and told her dad how she was feeling. She finally said she was scared she would get lost and wouldn’t know anyone, and when he came downstairs and told me what she said, I burst into tears. I want to be able to tell her that it’s going to be okay and that everyone will be nice, but I know it’s not true. She will be okay, but some of the worst memories I have are from junior high. I remember all the bullies, the boy from church who called me fat at Camp Cashwell, and the feeling of having no place. To this day, I despise girl groups, girl trips, cliques, and anything of the sort, because they make me feel like I did back then.

My junior high school friend posted this picture of me yesterday on social media, and I was excited to see a picture of myself I don’t recall ever seeing. The look on my face was pure sadness though. I was probably in the 8th grade, and this was the beginning of me beginning to dissociate from people and groups. My parents had spilt when I was in 7th grade and then got back together, had a baby, and after everything being up in the air, it was like they pretended nothing happened, and we were to go on like none of that happened. I knew better. I didn’t play sports, and I don’t remember being in any clubs. What I do remember is the feeling of being super lonely. It broke my heart to see myself like that, and I wonder if anyone noticed, and if they did, why didn’t they say or do anything.

We spent some time at the park and took the girls for ice cream after. Macy seemed to be more at ease, and when we got home, my mom came over and helped the girls get their backpacks ready for school tomorrow. My mom was asking me all kinds of questions you would think a mother would know, like what time school starts, what time they get out, bus times, all that, and I don’t know the answer to any of them, and for a reason. I don’t know to know. It’s pure avoidance, and tonight, I will look it all up and be ready tomorrow morning, but right now, I’m not.

About myrajane099

I am...rambling, but it's the truth. My truth.
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1 Response to No Place Like Home

  1. Carmita says:

    I know exactly what you mean. Middle school was a complete nightmare for me. I had terrible acne and a fairly large chest in 5th grade. I didn’t play sport’s, was bullied, had fights with girls and felt lost. My parents didn’t understand how I felt and to me it seemed like no one else did either. Fifth and sixth grades were the worst for me. I will say a prayer for the both of you. She is strong and will find her way just as we did.💜💜

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